It's the last day of our trip! Our trip that we decided the night before would be an annual Char-sey trip.  It's the early hours the room is just starting to be brightened and the clouds in the sky are turning pink. I smile to myself and think of the sailor's saying "Red skies at night, Sailor delight. Red skies in the morning, Sailors heed warning." I can hear Charli's soft sleepy breathe in the next bed. I turn and look over at him, he is rolled away from me. I pick up my phone  to check the time and to take a picture of this moment to capture the pretty luminous sky and to catch the feeling of utter joy, peace, and contentment. I lay there  going over my goals and intentions for this year: 

• Prioritize my relationships

• Prioritize my health over work.

• Work Less, Play More

• Accomplish a week long solo hiking trip

• Read 52 books this year

• Focus on approaching all things from a standpoint of love (continuing from last year)

• Find a job that will bring me joy again.

I smile as the contentment washes over me. I stretch under the covers... it's one of those stretches where somehow the body lengthens itself with the super contraction of all these muscles in your extremities... as I felt the strength, the "pops", the rush of the blood flowing through my muscles, the overall revitalization of my limps, I rest my hands on my bra-less, fully-tanked chest. I think to myself.... 

"Prioritize my health over work"

Hmm... when was the last time I did a self breast check. More than just "giving the girls a squeeze"... What can I say I like squeezing my boobs as much as the next guy ... Jeez, it's probably been a year or more. So time to give them a squeeze. I start my soft palpitation on lefty... all good until I get to about 5 o'clock next to my nipple. I stop and my gut drops. I push my fingers deeper into the tissue, and realize there a lump about size of the tip of my pinky.  I lay there stunned and questioning what the hell is going on. My inner-monologue goes something like this:

OKAY OKAY OKAY! Look you've had lumps before when you were in  your teens... happened on occasion and would come and go as hormones did. (Fibrocystic breast changes) No biggy. Remember how dumb you were back then and went rushing to Maman when she was in the bathroom in tears telling her you didn't want to die from Breast Cancer. She asked you about the painful hormonal lump and  explained what was going on and she calmed all your fears. This is just like that. 

I lay there for a second mentally affirming those words into reality, as my hand sneaks back to "the spot". There it sits cold, silent, and foreign.  I can't shake the feeling that this isn't like the Fibrocystic Breast Changes, which was red hot with the pain of excessive hormones and overall breast tenderness. 

I get out of bed and distract myself with getting ready for the day. I notice my hand has moved back to my breast. There it is. As I grab my clothes to go shower, I swap out my full coverage thickly padded bra I had picked for the day  to a bralette.  I get ready in haze and wake Charli up. He opts to stay in his PJs for the ride and we set off. 

We hit the road deciding to no stop for breakfast, as we pass by the street with the little breakfast joint with crocheted sunny-side egg and egg strips tacked to the wall. I smile thinking about the day, and my hand drifts to my left breast. Charli starts up the Audiobook we've been listening to on the road... We are both fully invested in this story of History meets Magic and Art. Each of us crushing on one or more of characters in the book  ... There is just a little bit left. My thoughts become so loud I can tell you have have no idea what happened in the last 1-2 chapters of the book. 

These loud thoughts are only matched by my now longing for my Marshal, my life partner... my husband.  I want to be close to Marshal, The rest drive home was definitely blur... looking back I definitely feel bad for not being present in the moment with Charli...  Charli's in the passengers seat super chatty, but I am struggling to focus on him. He is simping over his favorite character from the book, Leo. He is talking about his plans for the future. He is talking about his favorite musicals. 

AND selfishly all I hear on repeat,  "That lump doesn't feel like the ones before" and a longing desire to be wrapped in Marshall's arms.