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I'm in a weird funk. I'm not sure how else to describe it. I feel a bit lost and blue. Which is strange, because typically I start out a new year rejuvenated with new hope and happiness.
I'm not sure...
maybe it's the divorce stress.
maybe it's not feeling settled
maybe it's uncertainity of the future
maybe its the winter blues
I think overwhelmingly I am missing parts of the past. Not sure how to get them to be part of my new present.
I miss my sister being my best friend
I miss having my "space"... my "stuff"
I miss the comfort of a snow day snuggled on the couch
This doesn't mean that I think I made the wrong choice... I know that I didn't. I am happy with my choice of moving on to find joy and commitment.
But I am reflecting on something my grandmother once said, "It is hard to breakup even the worse marriage". The truth of the matter is that my marriage to Marshal wasn't terrible... we just fell apart and had a serious fundamental value breakdown. There is a mourning period, not for the person you lost (although it is completely normal to feel loss for that person).. but for the comfort of the familiar. Maybe, that's it!!
I am missing the comfort of the familiar. We just had a snow day here in Virginia... the first snow day since the separation. It hit a bit different.
I've had other firsts that have made me a little sad, but this first took me by surprise.
I am used to the "lazy, inside under a blanket" day in as it snows... This year I was out driving in the weather.
The next morning when the snow is done, there would be an unhealthy deliciously decadent breakfast. Followed by get dressed in winter clothes and cleaning the driveway and sidewalks, cleaning off cars (because it is sooo MUCH easier when it is fresh), and playing in the snow. Followed by a French Press to warm up... There is still snow on my car and ice on the sidewalks and driveway covered in a fresh layer from another storm that just blew through.
It isn't bad, just not what I have gotten used to. And it is no one's fault except my own. I love the saying that "if you are unhappy about something change it". I could have been the one to motivate to go outside, but I chose not to. I let the sad feelings encompass me.
So today I choose to be happy, to motivate in the way that makes me happy. Enjoy the snow and the cold. To live everyday to the fullest!
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